Teenage heroes and teenage hubris (long)

You may not have seen the latest (the first?) viral parenting video of the 21st century, but if you're the parent of a teen, you probably should.

It's extreme, and it's controversial.

I will not summarize its contents-- you can probably find it by googling extreme dad video, or you can keep reading. I give my thoughts below.

First, for the purposes of this post, I'm going to assume that what the father says is pretty much the truth, and what his daughter says in her expletive-filled Facebook post is exaggeration. At second hand, you can't tell who's being more honest, but there are some details in both their versions that point to the dad's essential honesty.

The details also point to an interpretation that hopefully will both make sense and show how ancient mythology can illumine everyday realities.

I have shown elsewhere how the life of teens often resembles that of heroes in Greek mythology. Adrift in a chaotic wilderness that is the liminal state between childhood and adulthood, teenagers often go adventuring, in a variety of ways. These forays into the wilderness accomplish several things in the teen's mind:

• Confirm their sense of leaving their protected childhood behind
• Give them glory among their fellow teenage heroes, their proto-adult community
• Give them a sense of adult individuality and self-determination

 All of which, really, is a search for boundaries.

No one-- not even authentic Greek heroes-- really likes being in the wilderness with its hazy borderlands between death and life, divinity and mortality, wilderness and civilization.

No, everyone pretty much wants to get Home.

Problem for teenage heroes: home is not back in childhood, and it is not yet in adulthood. Hence the search.

The young lady in question here was not, thank goodness, guilty of the kind of self-destructive behavior into which some teens venture. Her sin was extreme public disrespect of her parents. It's the kind of thing that would get my daughter grounded for eternity.

The teen thought she was posting this message only to her friends, thinking that her parents would not see it-- although, as the dad points out, he is an IT professional who had just spent 6 hours updating and upgrading her laptop.

So it was clear he was going to find out-- and I believe the teen knew that. She was not really ranting and cursing for the purpose of complaining about a horrible life. She was trying to find the place where her father would react hard and decisively, showing her the limit.

She found it.

The situation reminds me of hubris stories in Greek mythology, and especially the story of Niobe. In Greek mythology human beings are constantly putting themselves on the level of the gods (displaying hubris), and the gods are constantly knocking them down. It's a given in the Greek ethos that gods are jealous of their top dog status. They will impose limits.

Niobe boasted that she should be given worship instead of Leto, the local mom goddess worshipped by Niobe's people, and the mother of the Olympian divinities Apollo and Artemis. I have 14 children, she crowed. Leto only has 2.

The result? Apollo and Artemis shot dead (with arrows) Niobe's children and turned her into a boulder with water (tears) constantly seeping out.

This type of story helps Greeks find their limits and, in a world where life is difficult and fragile, help them accept their powerlessness.

So the dad of our video has imposed a limit, and has insisted on respect from his daughter. As the person who provides for her materially and (we trust) has sheltered her in a household of love as well, he deserves that. 

So, too, the Greeks felt that the gods gave humans everything, and were deserving of respect.

I hope the punishment of the young Niobe of our current viral video will be beneficial to her. If it were me, I would go about it a different way, though I completely understand the father's rage.

But the main point, to me, is that when a teen comes to that point of disrespect, it is usually because they have been wading through a hazy wilderness and they are trying to find some clarity.

The father has written on his Facebook page that his daughter is privileged materially:

The second lesson I want her to learn is the value of a dollar. We don’t give her everything she asks for, but you can all imagine what it’s like being the only grandchild and the first child. Presents and money come from all sides when you’re young. Most of the things she has that are “cool” were bought or gifted that way. She’s always asked for very few things, but they’re always high-dollar things (iPod, laptop, smartphone, etc). Eventually she gets given enough money to get them. That’s not learning the value of a dollar. Its knowing how to save money, which I greatly applaud in her, but it’s not enough. She wants a digital SLR camera. She wants a 22 rifle like mine. She wants a car. She wants a smart phone with a data package and unlimited texting. (I have to hear about that one every week!) 

She has not had to pay for anything. She doesn't have to reckon, like an adult, on the cost of things. She is still being given things, as if she were a small child.

This is her particular wilderness, or in-between world: endless material gifts (childhood), no sense of what it costs to own them (adulthood).

I agree with the dad that the next electronic device the daughter uses should be one she pays for. If she does not understand the incredible gift she's been given in comfort, security, and material wealth, then let her experience the effort and sweat it takes to obtain such.

The dad is doing the right thing by pointing his daughter more definitely toward adult responsibility. The method he used to get his point across, to me, is excessive, and if you want to discuss why in the comments, I'd be most happy to.

Finally, and thanks be to you if you have read this far, this video has reminded me that parents of teens are hamstrung in a lot of ways. Most of us spend a lot of time with other parents when our children are young. We have to: we are at their baseball games, their dance practices, their violin lessons, waiting to shuttle them to the next stop. There's a lot of downtime, a lot of time to compare notes and commiserate and strategize.

When the teen years hit, we tend to scatter. Our kids don't want us around. Kids transport themselves by sharing rides, taking the bus, learning to drive. They stay after school for their activities. That means, for many of us, an information blackout. I was surprised to hear from another dad about his daughter's disrespect of him. She always struck me as a sweet, cheerful and forgiving person. But for him, there was nothing but disdain. We obviously need still to compare notes.

It's tough being a god to teenage heroes. Especially since, at some point, we're all going to be demoted from god status. But then, apparently, the reward is promotion to grandparent status.

I'll look forward to that. 

Comments

[Lyn Fairchild Hawks]

David, very thoughtful, very insightful. I want to share this.

Lyn

[DF]

Thanks for passing it on, Lyn.

[Coutch]

To begin with... an IP "Professional" doesn't and couldn't take 1/2 a day installing & upgrading a teen's laptop...A 1 hour job for a teen max!

Secondly, shooting the laptop was for his ego, played on uTube for all to see what a cool guy he is...

I find no need to go further, no matter what he spins after the fact...
A------, pure & simple!

[DF]

Coutch, edited the expletive in your comment. I appreciate your reading and commenting. I don't agree with the firearm use at all; I think the dad has never fired a weapon in anger against anyone, never been in the military or a police officer. People who never have to use firearms as a part of their job sometimes think they are cool and/or necessary and should be kept around and displayed, and probably a number of them think it's okay to use them in the way this guy did. Not me. If you understand the seriousness of gun use, you don't introduce it into your family like that. I understand the father's rage and desire to do something that truly gets through to his child. But I think the gun use is dangerously inappropriate.